essay #2 revised draft

November 25, 2012

Dear Young Men;

Most people are aware of the stereotype that women are more emotional than men, which I’m sure the majority of men will agree is true. When someone see’s a woman who is crying, the first thing that comes to mind is something along the lines of “women always cry and get emotional” without even considering what the woman is upset about. Granted women in general, tend to cry a lot but that doesn’t mean they are more emotional than men. Women are just better at expressing their emotions.

There is another common stereotype that men should not show their emotions. Women often believe this and hold all men accountable for the stereotype. Although the stereotype has truth to it, it doesn't mean men don't feel the same emotions as women. Generally women show their emotions to the public while men keep their emotions inside promoting the stereotype. According to Goldsmith, "Men tend to have a greater control over their emotions and what they will display to the world, possibly due to having more difficulty displaying emotion than women." However, men usually express their emotions to only a small amount of people they feel comfortable with and tend to downplay their emotions while women tend to act as if the world is coming to an end. 

Talking about emotions is a very important skill to have but men and women have different conversational styles. Women tend to talk faster when they get excited and interrupt men when they are struggling to find the right words. As a result of this excitement, men tend to shut down because they feel unable to express themselves because women cut them off in their train of thought in the middle of a sentence. According to psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith, "Men find it more difficult to attach words to emotions and getting back on track in an emotional conversation can be very difficult for them". Although men and women feel the same emotions, men can't express their emotions very well which makes it easy to assume that women are more emotional than men.

There is another factor which explains partially why men can’t express their emotions like women. Men have either consciously or subconsciously been influenced by male peers to conform to the “guy code” which is a set of rules all men must follow. The main rules are to never show emotion, be aggressive and show no mercy. It has been discovered by psychologists that young elementary school boys have been influenced by this code in one way or another. According to numerous psychologists, “as a result, boys feel effeminate not only if they express their emotions, but even if they feel them” (Kimmel 616). Being the woman I am, this makes me sad to think that guys are put under so much pressure from other men and women to act a certain way. It isn’t fair that society holds such high expectations on the ways men are supposed to act.

On the contrary, women are labeled as emotional because they express their emotions by crying when they are dealing with too much stress, whereas men get angry. Yet anger is an emotion and men generally seem angrier than women but aren't labeled as emotional. Anger and sadness are both emotions felt and expressed by both men and women, but men get angry more often then women get sad. Think about driving: men and women both drive but usually women don't cry if someone cuts them off whereas men yell, threaten and sometimes injure or kill someone that cut them off. As well as sports; men often yell, cheer, celebrate or break things, hurt or even kill over such a small, minor hobby. Obviously both genders get angry and sad; different individuals within the different sexes display diverse amounts of anger and sadness.

Consider incarceration statistics, according to the U.S. Bureau of Justice Statistics, in 2009 approximately 2,096,300 men and 201,200 women were in state, federal or county jail. “One out of 18 men and one in 89 women were charged with violent crimes in 2008”. As one can see, men are more violent than women and violence is caused from the emotion anger. If guys would try to learn how to express their emotions, they wouldn’t end up in prison or dead. Men have so much built up inside of them and they feel like the only way they can get rid of it is through anger and violence, but that isn’t the case. Men would benefit all around if they opened up more and talked about their feelings before they do something stupid.

Women are a lot stronger and tougher than most people think. Women endure physical pain in such a way men could never even begin to comprehend: childbirth. And some single mothers have full time jobs and are raising half the children in America all by themselves. Despite their pain, tolerance and strength they have. Ken Solin, author and men's support group activist, believes women’s greatest power is their emotional strength. Women naturally care for others, especially their families. Women can easily care for their children and husbands at the same time and they are not scared or embarrassed of their emotions, unlike men. "Men who think women are weak because they cry more easily than they do are delusional. Women cry to release their pent-up emotions, instead of holding them in and blowing up. Men have yet to learn this simple lesson." Solin has worked for over twenty years with men through divorces, sharing kids, single parenting, relationships, dysfunctional boyhoods, anger, depression and anxiety among many other issues. Provided with Solin’s background in men's mental health and the fact that he is a man praising women for their strengths and downgrading men’s conceptions of women, he successfully explains that men are incapable of being emotionally and physically as strong as women.

Men are also the causes of emotional issues to themselves, women, and their children. Fathers, who don’t spend time with their children or neglect child support, hurt them because they deny their children emotional support and stability, the most important aspect growing up. According to Solin, “Most of the male dysfunctional behavior that causes so much pain to everyone is related to their inability to respond appropriately to their own feelings.” Men tend to take out their anger on women, not because they are angry at women, but because women are usually physically smaller and easy targets. Honestly, men need to stop taking out their anger on everyone else and accept responsibility for causing so much pain to themselves and the people around them and if they don’t want to do that for themselves, they should do it for their loved ones.

I want to specifically state that I do not blame guys for the ways they act and handle emotions. I blame society and the standards set for men to live up to. It is ridiculous that men can’t express themselves the way they need to in order to prevent detrimental consequences.

Consider rap music: most rappers are young men, specifically black men. The majority of people that have ever listened to a rap song agree that they sound angry and degrade women. According to Joan Morgan, author of “From Fly Girls to Bitches and Hoes”, “It is criminal that the only space our society provided for the late Tupac Shakur to examine the pain, confusion, drug addiction, and fear that led to his arrest and his eventual assassination was in a prison cell” (Morgan 606). I agree with her completely, I listen to rap every single day and I hear the pain in the rappers voices behind the lyrics. In my opinion, Tupac was one of the greatest rappers that ever lived; he has a variety of tones in his songs. Some of his songs are very violent and aggressive, others are sad and depressing and some of his best songs are the ones that state the bold truth with the consequences associated. He was a very talented man that had gone through unimaginable things and he had no one to turn to. Society didn’t care what he felt inside, society only cared about arresting him and hearing his music. If society would have given him a chance, a safe place to express himself, he probably wouldn’t have ended up in prison and eventually killed. This goes the same for all men out there. If men had a place to talk about the things they felt inside without fear of being judged and felt cared for, they would be a lot happier.

Men and women need to make a change together. Men are just as emotional as women, if not more; men just express it in different ways. If a man can accept the fact it is hard for him to express his emotions, regardless of the reasons why, then men and women can change this together. Women are programmed to care, love and nurture. Women want to be there for men. They want to support men, make them feel happier and prevent all of the hate, anger and violence but men have to accept that they have and feel emotions in order for women to help. Once he does that, he can do anything. Together, men and women will make society a better place where men are not scrutinized for having and expressing their emotions. Emotions are uncontrollable feelings felt inside that no one should be blamed for having. Together we will make a change and men will feel safe to express themselves and will receive the support, care and compassion they deserve.  

Sincerely,

Sara Estrada