December 11, 2012
Dear Young Men;
Most people are aware of the
stereotype that women are more emotional than men, which I’m sure the majority
of men will agree is true. When someone see’s a woman who is crying, the first
thing that comes to mind is something along the lines of “women always cry and
get emotional” without even considering what the woman is upset about. Granted
women in general, tend to cry a lot but that doesn’t mean they are more
emotional than men. Women are just better at expressing their emotions.
There is another common stereotype
that men should not show their emotions. Women often believe this and hold all
men accountable for the stereotype. Although the stereotype has truth to it, it
doesn't mean men don't feel the same emotions as women. Generally women show
their emotions to the public while men keep their emotions inside promoting the
stereotype. According to Goldsmith, "Men tend to have a greater control
over their emotions and what they will display to the world, possibly due to
having more difficulty displaying emotion than women." However, men
usually express their emotions to only a small amount of people they feel
comfortable with and tend to downplay their emotions while women tend to act as
if the world is coming to an end.
Talking about emotions is a very
important skill to have but men and women have different conversational styles.
Women tend to talk faster when they get excited and interrupt men when they are
struggling to find the right words. As a result of this excitement, men tend to
shut down because they feel unable to express themselves because women cut them
off in their train of thought in the middle of a sentence. According to
psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith, "Men find it more difficult to attach
words to emotions and getting back on track in an emotional conversation can be
very difficult for them". Although men and women feel the same emotions,
men can't express their emotions very well which makes it easy to assume that
women are more emotional than men.
There is another factor which explains
partially why men can’t express their emotions like women. Men have either
consciously or subconsciously been influenced by male peers to conform to the
“guy code” which is a set of rules all men must follow. The main rules are to
never show emotion, be aggressive and show no mercy. It has been discovered by
psychologists that young elementary school boys have been influenced by this
code in one way or another. According to numerous psychologists, “as a result,
boys feel effeminate not only if they express their emotions, but even if they
feel them” (Kimmel 616). Being the woman I am, this makes me sad to think that
guys are put under so much pressure from other men and women to act a certain
way. It isn’t fair that society holds such high expectations on the ways men
are supposed to act.
On the contrary, women are labeled
as emotional because they express their emotions by crying when they are
dealing with too much stress, whereas men get angry. Yet anger is an emotion
and men generally seem angrier than women but aren't labeled as emotional.
Anger and sadness are both emotions felt and expressed by both men and women,
but men get angry more often then women get sad. Think about driving: men and
women both drive but usually women don't cry if someone cuts them off whereas
men yell, threaten and sometimes injure or kill someone that cut them off. As
well as sports; men often yell, cheer, celebrate or break things, hurt or even
kill over such a small, minor hobby. Obviously both genders get angry and sad; different
individuals within the different sexes display diverse amounts of anger and
sadness.
Consider incarceration statistics,
according to the U.S. Bureau of Justice Statistics, in 2009 approximately
2,096,300 men and 201,200 women were in state, federal or county jail. “One out
of 18 men and one in 89 women were charged with violent crimes in 2008”. As one
can see, men are more violent than women and violence is caused from the
emotion anger. If guys would try to learn how to express their emotions, they
wouldn’t end up in prison or dead. Men have so much built up inside of them and
they feel like the only way they can get rid of it is through anger and
violence, but that isn’t the case. Men would benefit all around if they opened
up more and talked about their feelings before they do something stupid.
Women are a lot stronger and tougher
than most people think. Women endure physical pain in such a way men could
never even begin to comprehend: childbirth. And some single mothers have full
time jobs and are raising half the children in America all by themselves.
Despite their pain, tolerance and strength they have. Ken Solin, author and
men's support group activist, believes women’s greatest power is their
emotional strength. Women naturally care for others, especially their families.
Women can easily care for their children and husbands at the same time and they
are not scared or embarrassed of their emotions, unlike men. "Men who
think women are weak because they cry more easily than they do are delusional.
Women cry to release their pent-up emotions, instead of holding them in and
blowing up. Men have yet to learn this simple lesson." Solin has worked
for over twenty years with men through divorces, sharing kids, single
parenting, relationships, dysfunctional boyhoods, anger, depression and anxiety
among many other issues. Provided with Solin’s background in men's mental
health and the fact that he is a man praising women for their strengths and
downgrading men’s conceptions of women, he successfully explains that men are
incapable of being emotionally and physically as strong as women.
Men are also the causes of emotional
issues to themselves, women, and their children. Fathers, who don’t spend time
with their children or neglect child support, hurt them because they deny their
children emotional support and stability, the most important aspect growing up.
According to Solin, “Most of the male dysfunctional behavior that causes so
much pain to everyone is related to their inability to respond appropriately to
their own feelings.” Men tend to take out their anger on women, not because
they are angry at women, but because women are usually physically smaller and
easy targets. Honestly, men need to stop taking out their anger on everyone
else and accept responsibility for causing so much pain to themselves and the
people around them and if they don’t want to do that for themselves, they
should do it for their loved ones.
I want to specifically state that I
do not blame guys for the ways they act and handle emotions. I blame society
and the standards set for men to live up to. It is ridiculous that men can’t
express themselves the way they need to in order to prevent detrimental
consequences.
Consider rap music: most rappers are
young men, specifically black men. The majority of people that have ever
listened to a rap song agree that they sound angry and degrade women. According
to Joan Morgan, author of “From Fly Girls to Bitches and Hoes”, “It is criminal
that the only space our society provided for the late Tupac Shakur to examine
the pain, confusion, drug addiction, and fear that led to his arrest and his
eventual assassination was in a prison cell” (Morgan 606). I agree with her
completely, I listen to rap every single day and I hear the pain in the rappers
voices behind the lyrics. In my opinion, Tupac was one of the greatest rappers
that ever lived; he has a variety of tones in his songs. Some of his songs are
very violent and aggressive, others are sad and depressing and some of his best
songs are the ones that state the bold truth with the consequences associated.
He was a very talented man that had gone through unimaginable things and he had
no one to turn to. Society didn’t care what he felt inside, society only cared
about arresting him and hearing his music. If society would have given him a
chance, a safe place to express himself, he probably wouldn’t have ended up in
prison and eventually killed. This goes the same for all men out there. If men
had a place to talk about the things they felt inside without fear of being
judged and felt cared for, they would be a lot happier.
Men and women need to make a change
together. Men are just as emotional as women, if not more; men just express it
in different ways. If a man can accept the fact it is hard for him to express
his emotions, regardless of the reasons why, then men and women can change this
together. Women are programmed to care, love and nurture. Women want to be
there for men. They want to support men, make them feel happier and prevent all
of the hate, anger and violence but men have to accept that they have and feel
emotions in order for women to help. Once he does that, he can do anything.
Together, men and women will make society a better place where men are not
scrutinized for having and expressing their emotions. Emotions are
uncontrollable feelings felt inside that no one should be blamed for having.
Together we will make a change and men will feel safe to express themselves and
will receive the support, care and compassion they deserve.
Sincerely,
Sara Estrada
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